I should welcome myself back, but we all know that I post here when my brain is a whirlwind of crap and glitter and that’s never really a good look for me. So, I guess welcome back to the insanity, brain … and also you. Welcome back to the shit glitter bomb.
What have I been up to?
I feel as though I am just not good at adulting. I am trying to balance a job (albeit a job that I need get to at 4:30 in the morning, so I try to go to bed at an absurdly early hour since I don’t sleep well), and a fiance, and I have been studying for certifications (not anything mandatory, I can’t imagine what people who are actually on a school deadline are doing), and *trying* to stay healthy and have a healthy social life, while also publishing my newest endeavor, which is really just a glorified journal in the form of a monthly magazine, Casual Calamity, but at the end of the day, the depression has creeped back in. I’ve not worked on Calamity like I used to since March, and honestly, it was the only thing that was keeping me creating, which we know I need like I need air. I wish I could understand that. I’m not a good photographer, at least I don’t think I am, and I’m not a good painter, I don’t draw well, I’m not a good writer, honestly, all of my endeavors are mediocre. Everything I do seems like it is halfway to completion and I just stop there. There is “something missing” on everything that I do that causes it to feel incomplete. So, I don’t know why my brain is hard-wired that if I am not creating things, I won’t or can’t be happy. I’m not even good at it.
Sometimes I get a whim to go out into the world and shoot. As a matter of fact, everything I am sharing here today are things that happened because I had that crackhead “bugs crawling all over my skin” kind of need to get out and capture. The shot above is a Polaroid image of the last snow we had in Cleveland, which was an odd one because it happened weirdly late in the season and we got dumped on pretty hard, but it was all melted and gone the next morning. There’s a beautiful metaphor in there somewhere, but I’m too sleepy and anxious to decipher it at the moment.
When I was still a strict film shooter as digital was becoming the mainstream thing, I used to say that digital wasn’t pure. I was stupid, I know, and the two can exist together in the art world just fine. Really, I think I was angry that I couldn’t afford a digital camera. Either way, I have embraced digital these days, and I shoot film for nostalgia, and let’s be honest, it has a “look.” I am glad to see that film is getting the hipster treatment and is coming back.
The problem with film was that there was never really a way to make images EXACTLY the way I wanted them to look (creepy, scary, gothy, vampy, etc.). I mean, I guess that’s a lie, there were ways in the darkroom, and with filters and multiple exposures, and etc. but like the above shot, I did all of the dodging and burning and vignette in the computer while my fingers thawed out. I would have had to shoot this in brackets and multiple exposures … hell, I would probably still be out there shooting.
That was off topic.
The glitter-shitstorm continues.
My favorite time of the day. Four in the morning. Some of my most creepy shots are shot on my way in to work at four. Everything at four in the morning can be construed as either deeply sinister or immaculate in its innocence. There is something thrilling about shooting while listening to the early morning chirps and songs of the birds while constantly looking over your shoulder for bad guys, hungry animals, zombies, vampires, or worse, cops. The fuzz doesn’t usually understand the artist’s need to trespass at four a.m. to get that shot that will haunt you if you kept on driving. In this case, my biggest issue was the thirty-second shutter speed and the semis that kept leaving headlight streaks in my shot as they tried to enter the interstate. *angry face*
Anyway, apologies for the lack of posts. I hope to spend more time in the art box, which will hopefully mean more posts, and more Calamity. Maybe someday I will actually grow a pair and post my Calamitous Creations here for all to read and hate. God, I do love those hand-made magazines people put out.
Until next we meet, my friends,
The Level Twelve Procrastinator